Once upon a time I married a man even though I felt ill at ease the night before the wedding. Very ill at ease.
Doesn’t everyone have pre-wedding jitters? Doesn’t everyone have a doubt or two? Doesn’t everyone second guess their decisions? In a word, no. Not everyone jumps into legal commitments when feeling doubt about their partner.
Turns out it was several thousand ways more complicated to get free of that partner than the blind steps I took to marry him. Several thousand dollars wasted on unnecessary legal procedures sucked the blood out of my savings. To say that my feelings, as well as my bank account, were sorely hurting after all that is an understatement of King Kong dimensions.
Throw in there that at the same time he was swearing he would throw me out month after month, I was recovering from rectal cancer. How did I end up with this person? Remember back when I felt ill at ease the night before the wedding? How could I have ignored my intuition so willingly?
As I made my way through my divorce, once I finally had enough income to support myself, I had a lot of soul searching to do. I had to stay with a person who had no concern for my well-being for 5 years while I made a plan to get out.
During this time, I took Watercolor Painting Lessons and discovered I have a talent I didn’t know I had! It is a hard hobby for sure. I loved watching the teacher layer on the colors and with her help, I came up with some decent paintings. One of them was a painting of my partner’s cat.
Fast forward to 2016. I had been living on my own for two years. I cut the emotional ties one by one. Not many were left, or so I thought. I was emotionally checked out of the relationship for years before the divorce. What I wasn’t was comfortable with dating.
I had what I call FAJ, that is Fear of Jerks. Ha. I hadn’t MARRIED a jerk. No, sometime in those first 18 months of marriage, I was shocked to see someone I barely knew. Even two years after my divorce, I still winced at the thought of trusting again.
It was the Night of a Full Moon in the Summer and I decided to create a Full Moon Ritual to release the energy still haunting me. I took a painting I had done of his cat. It was one of my best paintings. I wrote a list of intentions on the back. All of my painful memories one by one.
I then got my torch and lit it on fire. It felt weird to destroy this painting but strangely comforting at the same time. The flames were vivid shades of teal, cerulean and pink. I watched it until the embers completely died in the cool evening air.
Did it work? Yes and sort of. Yes because I did go to a different level of self acceptance. I know I did the best I could. I married him too quickly and I didn’t know him well enough. I own my part of this. Burning the painting sealed the deal for me.
Sort of because I am glad that I am more careful now. I want to make better decisions when it comes to my partners. I want to allow my intuition to speak to me clearly. But. Life is life and I can’t guarantee a heartbreak of one kind or another isn’t going to happen.
So here we sit on the evening of another full moon, a year later. I love the moon cycles. It is a great way to clear the decks emotionally. You don’t have to burn a painting like I did. Just make a symbolic gesture to the Universe that you are ready to move on.
If you want to manifest a soulmate for yourself, do yourself a favor and do a little energetic housekeeping.
Here is a quick little full moon ceremony for you tonight:
1.Write a list of all of the breakups you have had that still sting.
2. On a scale of 1 to 10, go through the list and write how willing you are to let the sucker go. 1 is I am holding on another year and 10 is HELL YES.
3. Go back through the list and cross out, scribble, scratch out any sight of that old breakup. As you are crossing out the words, say, “Why is it so easy to let go of this once and for all?”
4. In a safe place, light the paper on fire and watch til it is consumed, or you can shred the paper.
5. Bury the ashes or shreds in a potted plant or outside in the yard.
6. Allow yourself to give the energy to the divine source within you and take three deep breaths.
7. Write a list of 3 things you learned about yourself through your breakups. I bet you are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for. What else did you learn about yourself?
Above all, cut yourself some slack!! Anyone would want to be careful after all you have been through. Now that you have let go of these characters, let them be done for you. Let yourself release them completely. Say this to yourself whenever you think of them: Why is it getting easier and easier to let go and move on
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