Ignoring Intuition is a Disaster
Divorce recovery sucks.
Once upon a time I married a man even though I felt ill at ease the night before the wedding.
“Doesn’t everyone have pre-wedding jitters?” I thought to myself.
“Doesn’t everyone have a doubt or two? Doesn’t everyone second guess their decisions?” Thoughts like this ran through my mind stealing sleep in the wee hours before the wedding.
In a word, NO. Not everyone jumps into legal commitments when feeling doubt about their partner.
That wedding, my second, cost me dearly.
Turns out it was way more complicated to get free of that partner than the blind steps I took to marry him.
How could I have ignored my intuition so willingly?
Several thousand dollars thrown away on unnecessary legal procedures sucked the lifeblood out of my savings. To say that my feelings, as well as my bank account, were sorely hurting after all that is an understatement of King Kong dimensions.
At the same time he was swearing he would throw me out month after month, I was recovering from rectal cancer. How did I end up with this person? Remember back when I felt ill at ease the night before the wedding? How could I have ignored my intuition so willingly?
Once I finally had enough income to support myself, I had a lot of soul searching to do. I had to stay with a person who had no concern for my well-being for 5 years while I made a plan to get out.
Along the way, I took Watercolor Painting Lessons and discovered I have a talent I didn’t know I had! It is a hard hobby for sure. I loved watching the teacher layer on the colors and with her help, I came up with some decent paintings. One of them was a painting of my partner’s cat.
Fast forward to 2016. I had been living on my own for two years. I cut the emotional ties to my former husband one by one. Not many were left, or so I thought. I was emotionally checked out of the relationship for years before the divorce. What I wasn’t comfortable with was dating.
Fear of Jerks? Do you have it?
I had what I call FAJ, that is Fear of Jerks. Sometime in those first 18 months of marriage, I was shocked to see someone I barely knew. Even two years after my divorce, I still winced at the thought of trusting again. He didn’t act like a jerk when I met him, I swear. (I was fooled: Check out How to Recognize a Narcissist on the First Date)
It was the Night of a Full Moon in the Summer and I decided to create a Full Moon Ritual to release the energy still haunting me. I took a painting I had done of his cat. It was one of my best paintings. I wrote a list of intentions on the back. All of my painful memories one by one with a commitment to move on once and for all.
Ready to let go, once and for all?
It felt weird to destroy one of my favorite paintings.
I then got my torch and lit it on fire. It felt weird to destroy this painting but strangely comforting at the same time. The flames were vivid shades of teal, cerulean and pink. I watched it until the embers completely died in the cool evening air.
Did it work? Yes and sort of. Yes because I did go to a different level of self acceptance. I know I did the best I could. I married him too quickly and I didn’t know him well enough. I own my part of this. Burning the painting sealed the deal for me.
Sort of because I am glad that I am more careful now. I want to make better decisions when it comes to my partners. I want to allow my intuition to speak to me clearly. But. Life is life and I can’t guarantee a heartbreak of one kind or another isn’t going to happen.
So here we sit on the March Super Moon, all these years later. I love the moon cycles. It is a great way to clear the decks emotionally. You don’t have to burn a painting like I did. Just make a symbolic gesture to the Universe that you are ready to move on.
Why is it so easy for me to let go of my ex once and for all?
Here is a quick little full moon ceremony for you tonight. Gather some things that make you feel good. Flowers, a candle and a clear surface to process another layer of disappointment and fear of jerks:
- How many significant breakups have you had. Take the time to write down the names or initials of every person you have broken up with over time. Sometimes people say, “I am fine as long as I don’t think about my ex.” True manifesting power comes when you can say, “I am fine even when I think about my ex.”
- On a scale of 1 to 10, go through the list and write how willing you are to let the sucker go. 1 is “I am not ready to let go.” 10 is “HELL YES.” Say it outloud with me. “I am ready to shed another layer of relationship residue right now!”
- Go back through the list and cross out, scribble, scratch out any sight of that old breakup. While you are crossing out the words, say, “Why is it so easy to let go of this once and for all?” There is something about using this question that makes the whole process easier, really!
- In a safe place, light the paper on fire and watch til it is consumed, or you can shred the paper. When I burnt my painting it was liberating and sad. I loved that painting. I was proud of myself for creating it and a part of me did not want to let it go. Sounds just like a relationship, doesn’t it? Sometimes letting go sucks, but it has to be done.
- Bury the ashes or shreds in a potted plant or outside in the yard. Thank Uni/Divine that you survived and that you are here now, standing strong and ready to trust again. Say out loud, “I am open and available to new people, new connections and new love.”
- Allow yourself to connect to the divine source within you and take three deep breaths. Listen with quiet openness. Sense yourself with your back turned to your ex. Repeat the statement out loud: “I am open and available to new people, new connections and new love.”
- Write a list of 3 things you learned about yourself in spite of your breakups. I bet you are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for. What else did you learn about yourself?
Recovering from divorce and other serious breakups is not for the faint of heart. It can be damn difficult to stop your mind from obsessing on what might have been. If this is you, and letting go feels impossible reach out. I would love to talk to you. Consultations are always no charge. You matter and I care. Cat@nullCatherineBehan.com